Dear Diary,

Usually I have a clever skeleton to most of my blogs. I know I want to touch on this event, what happened here or there, but for some reason I felt the need to just talk "everyday". So for a little something different ~ I thought I would just write. About what I'm not exactly sure, but we will see as we go along.

In my life right now, I am going through some major transistions. I recently left a job that was truly somewhere I should have left long ago. The hardest part of the whole "leaving the job, finding another one" deal is the down time. I never knew that doing "nothing" would be quite so hard. In fact, I don't do "nothing" I am looking for jobs, have applied for many and just really want God to lead me where He wants me to be. Throughout this whole process, I learned to trust...trust Him more than I ever have. But that kind of trust has not come easy to me by any means. I am someone who loves to work, and that is the truth. I miss having a job, I miss seeing my successes right in front of me, I miss accomplishments, rewards, and seeing my artwork being brought to life. And of course I miss the paycheck that follows all of those. After some pretty rough words were exchanged at the office, I walked out. I walked out knowing that what I did was the right thing and I would end up in a much better place where my spirit wasn't suffering daily as before. That was 2 weeks ago. The past two weeks have been particulary hard because I have never had to go through a job transistion on "bad terms". Not to mention, my boss was my friend, in the art department at church, and truly someone I respected whole heartedly until I was under his payroll. It's so hard to look back at our relationship before and not get saddened by what it is today. I decided enough was enough. Too many random emails from people at church of he said she said. I knew I needed to go and talk with him and just clear the air that was so clouded with untruth. So today I went. I went to pick up the last pay check and face my demon face to face. To my surprise he was actually worse than I thought he would be. He actually had a list of things he had to make sure he dug in one more time before I was rightfully paid. I walked out of that place feeling no better than the day before. I prayed that the animosity would be taken from my heart, but to my dismay it might have just worsened. No matter, I have to move on from here, the check is in the bank, and my life will soon get back on it's rightful path soon enough.

There are few people in my life who see right through me. Those people are of course my mom, my best friend Britni and my sweet, sweet Colin. (If you keep up with our site, you all know him very well by now I hope) All oh whom have been very supportive throughout this huge relocative process. My mom has probably gotten every job site and new paper on speed dial and lock down, Brit has held checks and spotted me some cash here and there till I can get on my feet. Colin, well he is a category all his own. Everyday he makes me feel like I am worth any job, and any dream can be reached. He is beyond wonderful. Sometime I really do wonder how I got so lucky. Growing up my sister met her match early. Luke and Steph met in the 8th grade and were married after 11 long years last July. I always looked at Stephanie and Luke, and would ask myself and God when was I ever going to experiece what they have, just a meer taste is all I ask. She was captivated by him and he her and it was beautiful. As every little sister does, I used to read her diary. In fact I was obsessed with her words. She would write the most beautiful love letters to him, and accounts of that day, the special things he did and said. I can remember being so jealous. After three amazing months with Colin, I could write diary after diary saying the same things, accounting the most special moments and revealing a love that is unlike any other. Unlike Stephanie and Luke or Megan and Judson. a love all our own.

So thinking of this as my diary, here is my lastest entry:

Dear Diary,

It was our three month on the 14th. That was two days ago. I guess it has taken me all of two days to really process what he truly means and what that night meant to me. I had first heard that he was planning something special on the friday prior. I knew that he told me not to make any plans and not to eat - he was brewing up something. Little did I know it was going to be one of the most special nights of my life. 8:45 I was told, so 8:45 it was. I walked up the sidewalk hesistantly, not knowing what might happen when I opened the door to his apartment. The instant I pushed the green 212 open, I was flooded with candle light and emotion. He has lit countless candles, set the perfect floor level dinner, pillows for chairs, salmon and vegetables seasoned to perfection, a bottle of one of his favorite white wines, and a top of all this, he was waiting with flowers and looked simply gorgeous. He took my breath away. I hugged him probably like he was going off to war in that moment. This was all for me?!?! What is the occasion?!?! Then I remembered today was the 14th, the anniversity of not only the first day that I met him, but marks the moment that I feel in love with him as well. I couldn't have planned a better evening myself. After dinner we finished the bottle of wine over engaging conversation and the rest is history. I still ask myself - Who am I to deserve him? There is no hiding how much in love I am with him. What a special day, what a special moment and what a blessing Colin truly is in my life. A life that may be a mess, a life that may have frayed edges, a life with no direction, but never lacking dreams, a life that is anything but ordinary, yet a life that may be in shambles, but he is always there in the end to put me back togerther again. God placed him in my life for a reason. Maybe he is good at puzzles, I don't know? But what I do know is, I might not have a job, but I am rich in love, and right now he is the only paycheck I need.